Hey my love,
It has been a while. I am on holiday in Sicily with the girls. Whilst it has improved from the abysmal first day, it is far from fun. Not sure why I thought it would be better than it is. It was booked as part of my “plan” to try things and give the girls the best life I can and I am vaguely conscious that I am just existing, treading water really, by working full time and avoiding the world as best I can so thought this would be a good thing for us all and a chance for me to focus on them properly rather than in small chunks at each end of the working day when I am distracted or tired.
I didn’t realise how confronting it would be. I knew it would be the usual of seeing families everywhere as we went around as a lopsided lone parent family, but I guess I underestimated quite how much it can take my breath away when I think of you not being here with us as you should be. Here it has been impossible not to let myself think about and actually feel how much I miss you. I block it out most of the time at home by working and pretending you are still around me at home I think.
We are making the best of it here. It isn’t great but I rallied after an absolutely dire first day where I honestly thought I was going to just break down and cry in the middle of a restaurant as we ate dinner after a long day. I realised that beating myself up for the mistakes I had made in booking this, due to the contradicting factors of my rashness at times and complete indecisiveness at others, wasn’t actually going to make the situation any better. I felt completely stupid, alone, miserable, vulnerable and out of control.
So I took control in a small way by hiring a car for the rest of the holiday. Whilst a bit daunting initially; feeling able to make decisions and choose where to go and when to go there has helped improve things for me a bit here. Still counting down till I escape this hell of a holiday and get back to a routine that, whilst lacking any joy at all, it is at least familiar now and I have worked out how to control myself and survive it most days.
This is just too hard. It makes me confront all that I have lost, all that the kids have lost and how crap our new set up and life really is. I miss you in the beauty of the surroundings. I miss you in the loneliness of decision making. I miss you in the sea of families and couples enjoying their time together. I miss you in all the tiny moments we should be sharing here as a couple, as parents and as a family.
What this week has reminded me is that I truly truly had it all. I was as contented in my life as was possible to be. With you I was completely and utterly beloved and I was at peace with everything and everyone in the world as I was always happy with where I was at as I was with you. You were my anchor, my comfort, my partner, my mirror, my confedant, my lover, my security, my entertainment, my confidence, my future. My husband. My everything. I truly was content with my life because you were with me every single step of the way and together we could do anything and nothing mattered as long as we had each other.
Now I am a pathetic overweight, haggard looking, miserable middle aged woman who has no clue how to live life without you, who has no plan for the future or zest for life, who struggles to hold it together every day and cant help but look around at the families and couples seemingly enjoying life with a sense of disbelief that somehow in the space of 2 short years how our life and family has disintegrated into this.
I had it all. And now I have responsibilities and not much else. I have lost all ability to enjoy life. I know I need to try as it isn’t honouring you to be this miserable pathetic husk of a person, but I still have no clue how to live without you.
Help me please my love